Knowing

Now its been really long since I last posted something. Its been really busy lately and I know its probably going to get busier. But I guess this time around it'll be a thought provoker with a little relationship stuff thrown in. I suppose you can say this was inspired by a web comic/manga Megatokyo (I'm not sure what to define it as). Anyways theres a guy who goes to help his co-worker build a computer, the guy happens to somewhat like his co-worker's roommate (its a complex story but I recommend reading it so it makes better sense). His co-worker as him if he wants to know any "insider info" on her roommate like favorite color, movie, dislikes. He declines and says that getting that info from her would be like cheating. I guess this is where I'd like to explore, the idea of "knowing" things. I think we all would like to know things in our lives. It would be easy to simply look into a crystal ball and see exactly how things would play out. Its been explored in probably various forms they did it in paycheck, knowing, and a few other stories I can't remember now. It sounds so nice to have such knowledge but I wonder if it would make us happy. I find it scary, because if we knew then what's the purpose of faith or experience? If we knew God's plan for us or if we knew how our actions would play out wouldn't it be frightening if we knew it played out badly? I guess this goes into inevitability as well that if we did know things would play out badly then it would be pointless to do things against it. This gets really touchy because of agency and various theories concerning space time so I think it would be best to leave it at would we have faith or grow from experience if we knew how things in our lives played out?

In terms of my life going to the topic of the young woman thats somehow made her way into my heart. I would like to know if what I feel is truly from God or something simply from my gut. Not only that but I know two of her roommates (names will not be used to protect the guilty) because they've been like big sisters to me during my undergraduate years (even though technically we're the same age somewhat). I kind of feel like I'm in the predicament like the character above. I wouldn't want to know learn "insider info" from them, it wouldn't be fair not to me or to her. I guess when it comes to cases like love its better to learn from the people themselves. Because anyone can tell you things about another person, but it seems lazy to just rely on others rather than finding out things about the people you love yourself. Then again I wonder if when I do finally figure out my feelings its going to be a strange experience. Because when I do know then what will I do? Will I just do like last time and let her pass me by or will I act upon them because of previous experience? I'm not saying its good for me to simply live in blissful ignorance, but I realize the fact that with that knowledge a decision must be made. I just find it weird that of all the girls that I've been around (don't misinterpret this line) she's the one that somehow pops up in my life. Coincidence or God's sense of humor (or are those things the same thing I don't know)? In my honest opinion it feels like a physical thing, but like one of my dai-ges told me to be true to myself and be open to God's will. I'm leaving my heart open to God but I'm still trying to figure out fully if this is a physical attraction or not. So while I may not know now I hope that when that day does come when I do know I'll be able to act properly.