As the Mind Wanders

Wow now its really been a while since I last posted something. Like I said before inspiration sometimes takes time. The same goes with some of these posts, ones about life, love and anime. Quite frankly the ones dealing with love seem to share the theme of me complaining about being single, yes I realize it too and yeah boo hoo do something about it loser. Regardless this is just me acknowledging to my readers that I do recognize the problems with these posts and hopefully I'll be able to move away from it. I suppose I'll post some of the mindless wanderings that I've been through these past few weeks that I hadn't been writing about anything.

As I mentioned before ninjas aren't allowed to fall in love. I suppose that its because it makes them weak and hesitant to do things. I categorize love in two ways, one: the kind that is authentic and true and two: the kind that just pops up because of instinct. To me the first category seems like high expectations and difficult to find sometimes because either one doesn't recognize it or its just an illusion. The second is one that I seem to be struggling with these past few weeks. Its an interesting feeling they just pop up randomly like how pop up ads used to plague the internet (though they haven't been entirely eliminated yet) and sometimes I can't quite get why they happen. These feelings obviously seem like a start, like I asked in one of my posts why is it that love happens in the most random occasions? Its like in an anime I watched where a guy likes one girl but ends up falling in love with her older sister. When I saw that it was really random, in some instances when I first watched the series it wasn't obvious but upon a second run through it kind of was. Then again when I saw the episode in which the two recognized the feelings were mutual I found it really random. The way that the guy told her was when they were together he though "yeah your right" a lot and it was natural and fun to talk to her. This probably doesn't make any sense but regardless it was pretty random.

I kind of reminded me of one instance this past year back in November I believe (I remember because I was stressed out about registering for classes and watching Beck). I was with the girl I recently felt some kind of attraction to, we were helping out with a progressive dinner for AACF (google or wikipedia it because its kind of hard for me to explain fully in a post). It had been a long day for me and stress + no daily anime for a while makes me a very very very strange person. Now I've jokingly told my friends I go through anime withdrawal, its not a bad thing it just that my day isn't complete without some kind of exposure to anime. I suppose it was really bad in this case, I think it was the stress mainly because there was a history class that I needed to get into to graduate (which I got into thankfully only not at the time I would have expected) piled on getting food cooked and no anime for a while. I was pretty strange that day and the girl noticed it too. I apologized for it and told her it was the fact that I was stressing about registering and the fact that I was a little crazy and out of it. She was cool with it and told me that I was one of the cool anime nerds she knew. At the moment I was relieved because I was glad that she knew I wasn't crazy and we managed to get things done. Looking back at it now it was a pretty unique event. Normally I think most girls think I'm crazy that I need some kind of fix of anime a day, but it was cool of her to accept the strange part of me. I guess it was also due to the fact that she also watches some anime too (which I mentioned before is something I find attractive about girls among other things).

After that day it seemed like the two of us were around each other quite often by some strange twist of fate or God's strange sense of humor. Then my roommate joked with me that it looked like we were going out with each other. He did make an interesting observation, I noticed (or probably me being self concious about it) that she and I always wound up around each other often. In fact coincidentally last week she found me studying at the tables while I waited for one of my friends to play the piano. I can't help but find myself attracted to her sometimes. Which is strange, because when I first met her and hung out with her she was someone that I couldn't imagine myself being with. She's loud and energetic and I'm quiet and boring. I don't think the opposites attract will work for me. Quite frankly I think its a physical attraction rather than something deeper. Maybe I'm setting my standards high, but I'm not sure if I can see myself married to her. Theres an age difference too, its like a three year difference. My thoughts are I like girls that are one or two years younger than me, three years and over I think people may see me as some kind of pedophile (its just some strange thing I think about). In all honesty I really don't know how to approach these feelings. Do I go through with them because I really don't know until I try or fight them off because I know it'll end up hurting the two of us? Some people would say take the plunge but will that mean I hurt being friends with her. These feelings are just as formidable of a foe as the ones before. My thoughts are trying to understand these feelings, I need to learn more about her before I can make up my mind. For now I'll play watchful ninja while keeping my mind on other things keeping myself alert to pitfalls and what not.

Nothing hasty because that kills ninjas. Besides being single means I can continue my work as a ninja and freely live a path that I've chosen. Hopefully I can figure out these feelings so I can protect her heart and remain strong myself.