Recycled Heart

Well its been almost a month since my last post. I guess this kind of supports the idea of sporatic posts and what not. I suppose I'll make this a post about women since it seems to be a popular subject with a few of my readers. I wonder sometimes what my chances are with women are. As most of you know I'm a pretty strange guy. My flaming love and obsession of anime and the fact that I play video games isn't necessarily a selling point with some girls. Its strange that I can even talk to a few of my friends who are girls. In one of the past meetings of AACF we had a talk about spiritual gifts. Celibacy is a fun one, to have peace with the fact that you're going to be single forever and all you need is God. I found that I was one of the few who actually felt that they had this gift (unless if people didn't want to admit to it or didn't want such a gift). It's a difficult gift sometimes, on one hand you get a lot of time for yourself but at the same time you can't help but feel like you're missing out on possibly experiencing love.

There was a shirt that I once saw in a webcomic, where a girl had a jacket that had a heart in the middle of two arrows in a recycle motion. Surprisingly enough that jacket had a limited release in real life (it was a pretty cute girl jacket in my opinion). In my lifetime so far I feel like my heart has been recycled countless times. That its been in a seemingly hopeless loop that I hope to give my heart to someone yet I get it back and hope to give it to another. I suppose it all goes back on confidence. As a guy I have to have faith in myself, many girls want that in a guy. Yet its hard for me, I try but I never do anything and life goes on. There have been too many girls around our place lately and I'm practically the only single guy. I do feel like I'm missing out, yet I'm still content since so many people think I have a mature view on relationships. Then again this mature look may be making my expectations too high or holding me back from telling a girl how I feel.

I struggle so much with the things I want with what God has blessed me with. I know I shouldn't rush into these things, but society tells me that I have too high expectations or that I'm too weak. I really do hope that I will find that person, who will accept this recycled heart. A heart that has been hurt, rejected, broken and changed. To take all these things and let that young man who he has given it to and allow him to grow and be by her side. So I'll hold on to this heart to hopefully find that person one day and even if I never find that person this heart will be a testament to how any person who is blessed with celibacy should live.