As the Mind Wanders

Wow now its really been a while since I last posted something. Like I said before inspiration sometimes takes time. The same goes with some of these posts, ones about life, love and anime. Quite frankly the ones dealing with love seem to share the theme of me complaining about being single, yes I realize it too and yeah boo hoo do something about it loser. Regardless this is just me acknowledging to my readers that I do recognize the problems with these posts and hopefully I'll be able to move away from it. I suppose I'll post some of the mindless wanderings that I've been through these past few weeks that I hadn't been writing about anything.

As I mentioned before ninjas aren't allowed to fall in love. I suppose that its because it makes them weak and hesitant to do things. I categorize love in two ways, one: the kind that is authentic and true and two: the kind that just pops up because of instinct. To me the first category seems like high expectations and difficult to find sometimes because either one doesn't recognize it or its just an illusion. The second is one that I seem to be struggling with these past few weeks. Its an interesting feeling they just pop up randomly like how pop up ads used to plague the internet (though they haven't been entirely eliminated yet) and sometimes I can't quite get why they happen. These feelings obviously seem like a start, like I asked in one of my posts why is it that love happens in the most random occasions? Its like in an anime I watched where a guy likes one girl but ends up falling in love with her older sister. When I saw that it was really random, in some instances when I first watched the series it wasn't obvious but upon a second run through it kind of was. Then again when I saw the episode in which the two recognized the feelings were mutual I found it really random. The way that the guy told her was when they were together he though "yeah your right" a lot and it was natural and fun to talk to her. This probably doesn't make any sense but regardless it was pretty random.

I kind of reminded me of one instance this past year back in November I believe (I remember because I was stressed out about registering for classes and watching Beck). I was with the girl I recently felt some kind of attraction to, we were helping out with a progressive dinner for AACF (google or wikipedia it because its kind of hard for me to explain fully in a post). It had been a long day for me and stress + no daily anime for a while makes me a very very very strange person. Now I've jokingly told my friends I go through anime withdrawal, its not a bad thing it just that my day isn't complete without some kind of exposure to anime. I suppose it was really bad in this case, I think it was the stress mainly because there was a history class that I needed to get into to graduate (which I got into thankfully only not at the time I would have expected) piled on getting food cooked and no anime for a while. I was pretty strange that day and the girl noticed it too. I apologized for it and told her it was the fact that I was stressing about registering and the fact that I was a little crazy and out of it. She was cool with it and told me that I was one of the cool anime nerds she knew. At the moment I was relieved because I was glad that she knew I wasn't crazy and we managed to get things done. Looking back at it now it was a pretty unique event. Normally I think most girls think I'm crazy that I need some kind of fix of anime a day, but it was cool of her to accept the strange part of me. I guess it was also due to the fact that she also watches some anime too (which I mentioned before is something I find attractive about girls among other things).

After that day it seemed like the two of us were around each other quite often by some strange twist of fate or God's strange sense of humor. Then my roommate joked with me that it looked like we were going out with each other. He did make an interesting observation, I noticed (or probably me being self concious about it) that she and I always wound up around each other often. In fact coincidentally last week she found me studying at the tables while I waited for one of my friends to play the piano. I can't help but find myself attracted to her sometimes. Which is strange, because when I first met her and hung out with her she was someone that I couldn't imagine myself being with. She's loud and energetic and I'm quiet and boring. I don't think the opposites attract will work for me. Quite frankly I think its a physical attraction rather than something deeper. Maybe I'm setting my standards high, but I'm not sure if I can see myself married to her. Theres an age difference too, its like a three year difference. My thoughts are I like girls that are one or two years younger than me, three years and over I think people may see me as some kind of pedophile (its just some strange thing I think about). In all honesty I really don't know how to approach these feelings. Do I go through with them because I really don't know until I try or fight them off because I know it'll end up hurting the two of us? Some people would say take the plunge but will that mean I hurt being friends with her. These feelings are just as formidable of a foe as the ones before. My thoughts are trying to understand these feelings, I need to learn more about her before I can make up my mind. For now I'll play watchful ninja while keeping my mind on other things keeping myself alert to pitfalls and what not.

Nothing hasty because that kills ninjas. Besides being single means I can continue my work as a ninja and freely live a path that I've chosen. Hopefully I can figure out these feelings so I can protect her heart and remain strong myself.

Understanding the "catch" in my Creed.

I know I've mentioned this in some of my posts about the people (girls in particular) that I lend my services to. I say that I lend my services to everyone and fade into darkness, but if I feel that you're not the kind of person I want to help then you'll get no help from me. One such example I gave once is that if you're a girl and you were kidnapped by a witch and forced to make happy meal toys in a tower you shouldn't expect any guy now a days to save you. I dance between that line too. Guys now a days aren't what you would call charming princes and some girls aren't the ideal princess. Back in my middle and high school days I always tried my best to be a nice guy, a knight in shining armor to girls because nobody really likes a guy who's a jerk. Unfortunately some girls also became a part of the people who tormented me. I guess it was my own naivate to hope to find sympathy with these people but I didn't. I specifically remember one time where a guy who picked on me accidently broke the nose and teeth of another girl when we played soft ball in PE with a bat. In the math class that followed I overheard some girls talking about him. Now he was somewhat popular so I guess who wouldn't want to talk about this guy. These girls also somewhat hated me and they were saying all these compassionate things about him even saying (which still makes me want to throw up to this day) "I want to cry for him".

When one of the girls said this I took a brief look at the guy, he had one of those guilty looks like a child who got caught with crumbs on his face when thier parents found out he ate all the cookies. I guess this is where I can trace judging people and women. Seeing these girls compassion for this guy's accident and his guilt couldn't match the suffering in my heart. Being abandoned by friends, not fitting in how could that compare to this guy's guilt? In fact this guy wasn't even a gentlemen at all when it came to the opposite sex and yet he still got sympathy. I know I may be getting all over the place with this post but I just want to reflect on my feelings about the kind of people in the world. Sad part is that people like this guy and group of girls still exist in my life to this day. I've met some girls I wouldn't save from thier prison and there are people that recieve good things while I suffer and toil. I think that if I could explain the reason why these feelings about who I believe deserve to be judged or I should help is because I've been wronged and the lack of justice in the world.

Its the lack of people who want to be heroic, to show that good people and justice always prevails in the end. Men now a days are, like I said, not prince charming they're thugs, swindlers and sometimes idiots. I chose to be none of these and live a life dancing between the lines of light and dark. People often wonder where all the good people have gone, the answer is that they are trampled upon by the hypocrites who wonder where they have gone. It's like that line in Batman Begins, "I'm not going to kill you...But that doesn't mean I have to save you". There are good people out there, but you have to realize that they're there. Those people and I myself included choose to live good lives but we decide who deserve to see that. Maybe its mean and self centered but you treat us like trash and maybe we'll choose not to help you in the future. So I guess that somewhat explains why I choose to live in the twilight of light and dark when it comes to helping people and women.

Always being Wary

Well now two interesting posts in a row. I suppose this one arose from random thoughts as I lay in bed or simply walk around outside. I'm not too sure how people end up falling in love or decide how to get into a relationship. I know theres a lot of factors, of all the factors I suppose the worst ones are the shallow ones. Where the reasons are simply physical or simply just for the heck of it. Being human is sometimes a curse, recently I think I've fallen prey to this in terms of shallow feelings. I've been feeling something for another girl, but when I really thought about it I knew it was only some kind of physical attraction and not something of a deeper feeling. Its interesting how this thought arose, since one of my roommates joked with me asking me if there was anything between us since it always seemed like we were together. Then a while back one my dai ge told me that he'd imagine that the girl I would somehow get would be a peppy Japanese girl (ironically this same girl is half Japanese). She was also familiar with some anime titles that I have seen, particularly in the girl series. It was funny how I noticed these things too, for a while it could have seemed like that something could happen if I did something in my mind, but somewhere in my gut (key word here is "gut") told me something could happen.

Between you and me I chose to follow my heart instead of my gut. I knew that this attraction was merely something physical and instinctive. Primal feelings are funny too, I suppose shallow feelings stemmed from them. I don't want to go along with these feelings simply because I feel desparate, I want it to be something that I want to do. I think these crazy thoughts come from my yearning for those old feelings of when I was in love. I really don't feel anything for anyone in particular. Maybe its because I want to protect my heart because I don't want to admit that my heart was hurt before because of my lack of action. I'm glad that I've become wary of what feelings that I should be paying attention to and which ones that I should ignore. It would be easy for me to go along with these simplistic feelings, but thats not what people should look for in relationships. I've been told that the one thing people should consider when they date another is if they can see themselves being married to this person someday. Sure it sounds like setting your expectations too high, but I think its a good point. Looks will fade once you get to know that person and personality is what will remain forever.

I suppose that I've been bitching too much about being single and being surrounded by friends and strangers who have someone of the opposite sex. I love to watch and live my life by my own terms but its like I said in my last post sometiems its not fun watching the world go by before you and others passing you by like you don't matter. If I could say something to my readers its that I don't mind being single, even if I never catch the heart of my holy maiden it would be ok. Sure it sounds like I lament and bitch, but I do realize my short comings and weaknesses. Thats why I don't want to give into shallow feelings, it would be giving into the weakness to simply relive old memories. Those old memories should be kept in my heart and I realize that they shouldn't be relived by following my gut but treasured. They say that love happens at unexpected times, perhaps this was an unexpected time but I'm not giving in. I'm sure when I do feel something its with my heart and not with my gut.