Not Your Ordinary Guy

Well I'm not too sure how to classify this post. If I had to say it's going to be a combination between a rant and who knows what. I'm going to call out my fellow brothers and question what society states what masculinity is. It is interesting to note that in this terrible place we call society, for men in particular we set standards for what makes a man a man. It's interesting because for guys it becomes the reason why we do stupid things. I know one of my readers mentioned this in one of his comments, what is the rite of passage to becoming a man or a woman in life? I'm going to rant about what society sets up for men. Well lets see, for one you've got to have some kind of license for a moving vehicle, homosexuality is frowned on (to my female readers I apologize but its the truth), have some kind of skill that will impress a girl and the list goes on.

Its interesting to note that this is what society has listed for anyone to transition to life. Again going back to my reader's comment, he said that it was facing a struggle that one must overcome. I think I found my struggle, it was my feelings for my precious person and how I pondered what I wanted to do to move forward with my love for her. Well come a few days ago, I find that she has a boyfriend. While I was sad at first I didn't know what to feel at first. Sure I'd be classified as your typical Asian guy who embraces celebacy, but its like my good friend Mr. A once said (again don't ask who this person is) a relationship with a girl won't make you love God any more than you do already. While my other roommate would argue that this isn't true and that both of your relationships with God will only grow further. For one I know that what he says probably isn't true. My good friend once told me that for such a relationship to flourish both people would have to acknowledge that the relationship just isn't between the two of them, but it is about God. I know society would call me a naive idiot and any person on the street would call me some kind of obessed stalker if I told them I still love my precious person even though she has a boyfriend.

To society the man says this: if a young man loves a young woman and when the young man finds out that the love of his life is already in a relationship, he should continue to feel the same way he feels about her no matter what. I wouldn't say that this is stalker/creeper status, but I've seen and heard stories about how men find out that the women they love either don't feel the same way or they have someone else and it ends for the man and he falls into a abyss of despair or harms himself or the one that they used to love. This is all because they see that they have failed as a man in some way to impress or fufill the expectations of those around them. I argue that one should not feel this way, lets address the one problem that sends one into despair. Its the abandonment of the happy feelings of love that they once felt for that person. If we forget these memories it feels awkward being around the person we once loved. Therefore people turn to drugs or excessive drinking to somehow knock those memories out of our heads. A problem like this comes about because society makes love shallow, where looks are the only thing we look for when it comes to relationships. Its basic animal instinct, the one with the best plumage/pattern or strength is the one that will flourish. People say that we have a higher mental capacity than animals, but to them I say this: if that is true why is there war and why is society so shallow?

Jealousy is something I mentioned earlier. Its an interesting feeling, animalistic if you ask me. Mating rituals are a good example of this. One animal, the Hare will literally "box" with each other, exchaning blows to each other eventually driving away the other to mate with a female. In context with society I compare this to crimes of passion. Where a guy will murder the one that they used to love or an ex so that they will never be loved by another again. I hate this, people say that they are above instinct yet jealousy pushes us over the edge and we revert back to the beast within. I recognize this fact and I will live above it. I'll say it again now I still love my precious person even though she has a boyfriend. That is my answer to the expectations of society for a man like me in terms of relationships. Society may call me an idiot or mentally insane, but I believe that this struggle I faced a lesser man would be crushed. I have shown society that this young man will not conform to what it expects of me. My friends have said that I'm taking it rather well and I tell them that is why I deserve the title of ninja of Long Beach. I think that through this experience I have emerged a better man.

I'll let nobody tell me how to feel, if I want to love then I'll continue to love. I'll watch her from the dark and love her as I always have. I'm not your ordinary guy, I have seen the ugly face of society and it will fear this ninja. No one will ever shoot down or destroy this will of mine. That is what defines me, society has to watch out for this ninja because he's going to open the eyes of the world to its ugliness.

Another Pitch III Movie

Well after a rather somber and touching post I've decided to do another thing I do best, anime ideas. This time its the second movie idea for Demon Savior, which ends the high school life of the valiant Ryo Huang. So without further adue I present the second pitch III movie.

It's been one year since S-ranked hunter Ryo Huang and the fallen Chaos General Selpha defeated the Nightmare Emperor, succeeding his place as the Chaos Emperor. All has been quiet in the Western realm since the epic struggle in which humanity, angels and the appearance of the Demon Savior. Ryo, Shen, Rin and Naoki now seniors in high school begin to plot thier new futures, one that hopefully does not involve them taking up a sword ever again. However, they will soon find out that old habits die hard. A mysterious young woman appears before the young Chaos Emperor declaring that all three realms have yet to prove that they are worthy of peace and salvation. Ryo's appearance as the Demon Savior was merely a power attained at a whim. Now that the Nightmare Emperor has fallen a new threat is coming, a being that has only been mentioned in demonic lore said to be the creator of all demons: Lilith. Although she is only mentioned by demons as their mother, legend has it she was a being that God did not create and existed alongside the world when it was created. Thus she is a being much like the Demon Savior.

Now Ryo, Naoki, Rin, Shen, Marc, Sasami and the heroes of all the realms must unite to fight against a force that will shake the very foundations of the world itself. These heroes will fight for the very future that many gave thier lives for and for a future where a young girl named Rei will soon be a part of.

Demon Savior: A Savior's Sacrifice

This movie will bring the first half of the life of Ryo Huang to an end. It all leads up to the next series Demon Savior: Crimson Dawn which tells the tale of the children of the saviors. Well that was fun, I'm still working on a pitch XIII so expect that during the summer.

The Will of both a ninja and a man...

I guess I must have scared a few readers away since I WWA (writing while angry) since no one posted a comment on my last post. Well I actually feel like writing this time about women since I found out some rather unfortunate news on my behalf. I know I wrote about this a while ago, perhaps a few months ago but my precious person is actually in a relationship now. I actually found out a day before I actually confirmed it. I guess you can say that my mindseye predicted it since somewhere in my heart I wondered if she was still single or not. To be honest I am a little sad, like I said in my last post I'm not going to get jealous since being this way is only harmful to the one I love and to myself. All I can say is that the day I found out made class a little bizarre (I spaced out here and there but I'm fine now). When I got back to the apartment I did my work and then I went into my room and prayed for her. I prayed for her happiness with this brother who I have yet to meet and thanked God for allowing me to meet such a wonderful sister. I felt the tears coming, yet I felt so at peace and happy for her and I thanked God for that peace.

I'm not going to say my good byes to this girl, I'll continue to be that blessing in her life and I'm glad that I was able to meet her. I hope to one day meet this young man and fellow brother who is taking care of my precious little sister. I'll continue to watch her from the shadows of life, although this man never told her his true feelings for her God has granted him peace knowing she'll be in good hands. I think I finally understand why I was attracted to her, it wasn't a physical attraction that caught my heart it was her sprituality that was beautiful. It was this that God showed me what it truly means to love a brother or sister. She showed me that I can say "I love you" to the people that God has blessed me with and not mean it in an empty way, but with all my heart and soul. I love the sky she is under, I love the songs of praise she sings and I hear her voice in times of trouble and worry.

As I walked back to the apartment as well, I took a look at the sky and it was so blue. I think that the love I felt for her was just like that sky I saw, so pure and deep blue that if you took a look at it you couldn't help but smile and all your worries seemed to melt away. I'll never let my memory of her leave me, for if I abandon them I'll lose the one thing that allows me to know I'm truly alive. It is the destiny only I can take as the ninja of Long Beach. A lesser man would be crushed, but I am no ordinary man. It is my will as a ninja to continue to protect her heart from the pains of the world. To anyone who challenges my will I'll fight you, just name the time and the place even if I lose I'll never change the way I think.

As a man people will call me naive, stupid, unmotivated, but to them I say this: I have found the thing only I can protect, when a man finds that he'll gain a strength in his heart and soul that no one can match. I don't want consolation or pity, I just want my readers to understand me thats all. My heart stands firm on these beliefs and I'll fight to the death if I have to to protect both her and my will as a man of Christ.

The ninja of Long Beach is at her service forever and I will say this from the bottom of my heart and soul to her:

I love you so much...

Encounters with strange feelings

Well I know I promised two readers a post on thier favorite topic next week, but I've just had a run in with the terrible human feeling called jealousy and I thought I should write about it and also I had a very productive week too so this is to celebrate and prove that I am sorry to two or three of my readers if I scared you by WWA (writing while angry). But if you have to know I will be posting another thing next week since it will be spring break for me afterwards and what better way to kick off my break than to make my readers happy (twice). Anyways it's kind of interesting on how this feeling came up. It was after aacf and we were broken up into small groups to discuss what we went through our quiet times and being like an Acts church through fellowship. Anyways if you can define irony you can probably guess one of the members in the group I was in if not just stop reading since if you really can't guess then NINJA CLONE TO ANNOY YOU TO DEATH! Yes, she was the leader/driver in our group; our group shared a pizza dinner and we were heading back to campus to drop off one of our group members to thier car. Anyways we were talking about Scouting (we saw some girl scouts selling cookies so thats how it came up) we eventually got to the Boy Scouts since yes I am an Eagle scout (a little known fact about me if you didn't know) and my precious person said how one of the things that she looked for in a guy when she was younger was that he had to be a Eagle scout. I jokingly asked if that still was true now and she said not really (I really was joking since I wanted to know if it still was or not out of curiostiy) and she also mentioned it was because one of her friends wasn't one.

When I heard this I knew that there probably was another person that she holds dear to her heart. I guess you can say that this was kind of a bad time to find out about that possible "x" factor. I was saddened, I felt the feelings of jealousy, anger and regret but at the same time I remembered my stance as both a man and as the ninja of Long Beach. These feelings are brutal to the heart, if this were any other heart it would be crushed and angry. But I remembered how I should wish for her happiness and hope that should she be with this other person I should rejoice for this relationship she has been blessed with. Now I'm not sure if she does have feelings for this other person or not and I could remain in some naive state and pretend that this never happened but there are too many factors to give me a definite answer.

These feelings, like I said not even I can escape them from being felt in my heart. The only thing I can do is accept these feelings and realize that it is normal for me to feel these things. I seek to be above these petty feelings, and live a life that is a blessing to those around me and to the one I hold dear. These feelings I hate them. These feelings cause one to think irrationally, when we become jealous all we can think of is taking that person we love away from another or hope for something bad to happen for them. But in the end we forget why it is that we loved that person in the first place and to wish for harm to be done to them should break our hearts. I didn't have these thoughts of harm for her, only thoughts of future happiness even if its not with me. Why does this feeling exist, it clouds our vision from loving someone to only wishing harm to their hearts for not choosing yourself? This feeling should cause us to look inside ourselves and not cause us to shake our fists in anger at that person, but to open our hands and take the hand of our precious person and hand it over to that person they truly love and say "love and take care of my brother/sister in Christ".

Like I said before there are too many factors to see if she does like this other person or not. For now I'll keep loving her as I always have, maybe theres still a chance for me or not. The world will berate this ninja for his naivete. His comrads will shout criticisms and make him regret not taking action. He may never know an answer to this question in his heart and many will urge him to find out. But the ninja will continue to be content and slowly walk towards the darkness of man with all these things cried out at him as these feelings of hatred and jealousy will try to take over his heart. And he turned his head to them, smiling with tears in his eyes and he'll whisper "no" as he continues to watch her heart from the darkness.

Anime Moments Again

Well time for another moment of anime moments. Once again I would like to reiterate that my blog is not solely dedicated to women. Just to let you know the "girl post please" comments are getting really annoying (seriously they are, either make a serious comment or no more posts on those) and I've given my faithful readers more than they could ask for, but now I really need a break so don't expect another one for quite some time now (if you can tell I'm a little pissed off right now, so I'm really trying to hold my urge to punch the guy who made me mad). So once again my apologies and I'll listen to some of my calming music to get back my sanity. So please try to make a serious comment if you like what you read for this particular post and I promise you can ask again in the future for everyone's favorite post, just don't ask on this post. So without further adue and my heart lightening up.

Today I was resting up at the table, it was a good day today since I got out of my 12:30 class very early. Anyways a friend of a friend happened to leave thier water bottle by the tables where my friends and I hang out. Anyways everyone was busy playing cards and so no one was able to get it to them. I opted to go since I was bored and I wanted to listen to a history seminar from a well respected historian. So I was given a vague location on where I had to deliver it. Thus I used my awesome ninja skillz and my knowledge of the school to pinpoint where they were. Anyways I got it to them and they really appreciated my effort to getting it to them. How does this event relate to an anime, well I watch a lot of Naruto and just started watching Nabari no Ou (if you've given up on Naruto watch this one) and I saw it as a ninja mission, the service was free and I got to see a pretty girl smile as payment.

Next moment and again just to show you I've actually calmed down and I hope that you won't make a spam comment out of spite or just to see if I'm actually mad (It's getting better now, but please try to make a serious comment) I was walking to class along with my precious person, we were just chatting and then all of a sudden she said "Oh look a squirrel!" I looked and yes there was a squirrel. She kind of got side tracked by it and she apoligized for it, but it was ok for me since a part of me wanted to hug her because she was so moe at that moment. Again for those of you who don't know what "moe" means it's kind of like those moments where you're with someone and they do something so incredibly cute that you can't stand it and you just want to hug or kiss them. I found that very cute when she did that, it wasn't like most girls where they do it and then don't apologize for it which causes me to think they have A.D.D.

Last moment and perhaps the one all you will enjoy. That guy who sells anime stuff actually came to campus this week. So me being the resident anime geek decided to take a look at his wares. I was looking through some of the stuff when I came accross a Fruits Basket button with the main girl character Tohru Honda on it. I thought it was pretty cool and I found another one too, right at that moment I thought that my precious person might like it. The price was pretty reasonable so I got one for her and for myself. When I saw her I gave it to her and she loved it and she put it on her backpack. Now you might be asking why I did this and why it fits as a anime moment. She reminds me a lot of Tohru, since she can be cute sometimes (as mentioned before) and being around her makes my problems and worries a lot smaller. Tohru does the same for the Sohma family, she's someone who can warm the hearts of the hurt and she works really hard to make everyone happy despite holding pain in her heart as well. I can go on, but every time I see her she reminds me of this character and I gave her that button since I knew she would like it too.

So those are the moments of this year. Of course I kind of gave another hint at who this girl is (I know a few of my readers will be checking backpacks for this elusive button I gave her, hopefully she'll keep it on if not no hint for you!). But just another way to show how much anime influences my life and the many parallels I draw from it and apply it to my life.

Thoughts of taking the first step, yet fearing what comes

Right now I am really at the point where I'm going to shoot myself, no I'm not depressed or overwhelmed with life so don't call 911 or start making space in a hospital for me. If you can guess what this post is going to be about you'll understand why I want to do this. Just to let you know I am not posting this on a whim (you know who you guys are) I am posting this because this will probably be the only time I'll have to post something since I've got midterms after next week and I'm pretty happy with the point I'm at with my papers. Also another J-pop song to listen to (and one I just got addicted to) Trust you by Itou Yuna so youtube or go whereever for that I'll wait......Ok here goes.

So as I lay in bed more crazy thoughts come to my mind concerning my precious person (once again clean thoughts, because I know you were all thinking it and you're all dirty perverts =P). Two things came to my mind, One crazy thoughts always seem to catch up to me whenever I sleep and two the fact that a moments madness took over. I began to have thoughts of future regrets that I could have if I never act upon my feelings. These thoughts were so shaking I actually rolled around my bed. I don't remember if my roommate was there or not, because if he was I felt kinda bad since my bed has been squeeking lately. Eventually I cleared my head since I have bigger things to worry about than this. So then all was well with the world for a while. Now I say for a while because just the other night, or should I say very early this morning (around 12 to be exact) my other roommate, the one who questioned why I'm never seen around girls, happened to be studying in my room and women came up once again (it was his idea, he really should have been studying I was just browsing anime sites). So once again we had another engaging conversation about women.

Pretty much he wanted to know why my love life in general "sucks" (bluntly put you can even guess who I talked to I really don't care since I live with him) so I told him it was a matter of confidence. Response: you got to be confident in yourself, conversation then turned to a critique of how I was talking to him and reflecting it back to if I were talking to a girl. However it then turned to what if I waited too long and she actually did get herself a boyfriend. So I told him some of the stuff I wrote about (he doesn't know I keep this blog so he's new to the stuff I told him) how as a follower of Christ you should pray that they be happy and grow together. Response was something less than I was expecting and surprising: he basically called me a crazy (forgive me for I both regret writing this and its basically what he was implying) bastard. He told me that if I do care for her then I should make an effort to be with her so that she may grow alongside me. Rebuttal from me: merely getting a girl won't make me love god any more than I already do. You kinda get the idea that he disagreed with the way I think when it comes to women. But as a final remark he told me this: how do you expect to eventually get down on one knee to ask that one you truly love with all your heart to marry you if you've never made a step towards finding out how someone did feel about you and dating.

If this were a fire fight this is the part of the fight were you pull the trigger on your gun and the hammer just clicks and the slide pulls back signaling that you're empty and more than likely the person shooting at you has one more bullet. This brought back the thoughts I had again. I think that that talk last night was pretty much a brutal reality check, I'm pretty sure all my readers think this way too (be honest you know its true). Maybe all these things I've been writing about are just a bunch of idealistic "cupcake land" garbage. I've been told that this is probably the smallest that the pond is going to be and if I don't cast then it's only going to be harder when I do graduate. All this talk about how I just wish for her happiness, is it all too innocent and naive? I know you all love these posts and try to give me advice, but somehow I wonder how you all honestly really feel about my thoughts. Maybe you're like my roommate and you think that this really is all too naive and that I should be shot for it but I don't know.

I really do want to tell her how I feel, yet the part of my heart that is uncertain is what the commitment will really be like. I know a relationship is not easy, in various posts I rant about how we make dating too much about money and sometimes becomes a huge investment, but theres that possiblity that the investment fails and becomes memories you don't want to remember. Or the fact that our society makes us think that our relationships aren't always going to be permanent and that the one you date isn't going to be the one you marry which causes us not to become too attached to one another. It's one thing to love certain aspects about a person yet maybe they don't feel the same about you or once you date them they turn out to be totally different. Why is it that we make love so hard, so hard that it makes this heart fear making that first step in telling her how I feel. I've read all your comments and I can even predict what you may even write for this post in general. I know faith without works is dead, I truly do wrestle with this idea. Back when I was bitter I questioned if I really was alive, I felt like a dead man in a world where time was moving by too fast. But when I came to Long Beach I found a group of people who blessed my life and I felt alive again. This girl who I met less than a year ago, who has shown me faith even in times of heart break and doubt whose life brought tears to the eyes of this ninja and captured his heart which is no small feat. Yet at the same time that proud ninja is a pathetic man who has no confidence in himself when it comes to telling her how he feels, who hides in the shadows to protect her heart yet she'll never know of his valiant efforts and how he naively hopes that she will find happiness even if it isn't with him. Dang it she's done it again, she made me cry.

She's someone who has so much power in my life, yet I myself am powerless to tell her how I feel. I know you may all berate and tell me that its time to make that move via comments, but I question myself in general. I may never do it yet I feel that if I don't I'll regret it. I don't know if this love will be worth possibly being hurt over, but at the same time its better to do it than never knowing. I just don't know, its something my minds eye or anyone else won't tell me. Love just isn't something I know how to face as a ninja, its a mysterious yet beautiful thing but at the same time it can lead to infinite possibilities. So say what you want, I'll continue to search for an answer in my journeys in the shadows of the heart of the world and of my own not just as a ninja but as a man.