Thoughts of taking the first step, yet fearing what comes
Right now I am really at the point where I'm going to shoot myself, no I'm not depressed or overwhelmed with life so don't call 911 or start making space in a hospital for me. If you can guess what this post is going to be about you'll understand why I want to do this. Just to let you know I am not posting this on a whim (you know who you guys are) I am posting this because this will probably be the only time I'll have to post something since I've got midterms after next week and I'm pretty happy with the point I'm at with my papers. Also another J-pop song to listen to (and one I just got addicted to) Trust you by Itou Yuna so youtube or go whereever for that I'll wait......Ok here goes.
So as I lay in bed more crazy thoughts come to my mind concerning my precious person (once again clean thoughts, because I know you were all thinking it and you're all dirty perverts =P). Two things came to my mind, One crazy thoughts always seem to catch up to me whenever I sleep and two the fact that a moments madness took over. I began to have thoughts of future regrets that I could have if I never act upon my feelings. These thoughts were so shaking I actually rolled around my bed. I don't remember if my roommate was there or not, because if he was I felt kinda bad since my bed has been squeeking lately. Eventually I cleared my head since I have bigger things to worry about than this. So then all was well with the world for a while. Now I say for a while because just the other night, or should I say very early this morning (around 12 to be exact) my other roommate, the one who questioned why I'm never seen around girls, happened to be studying in my room and women came up once again (it was his idea, he really should have been studying I was just browsing anime sites). So once again we had another engaging conversation about women.
Pretty much he wanted to know why my love life in general "sucks" (bluntly put you can even guess who I talked to I really don't care since I live with him) so I told him it was a matter of confidence. Response: you got to be confident in yourself, conversation then turned to a critique of how I was talking to him and reflecting it back to if I were talking to a girl. However it then turned to what if I waited too long and she actually did get herself a boyfriend. So I told him some of the stuff I wrote about (he doesn't know I keep this blog so he's new to the stuff I told him) how as a follower of Christ you should pray that they be happy and grow together. Response was something less than I was expecting and surprising: he basically called me a crazy (forgive me for I both regret writing this and its basically what he was implying) bastard. He told me that if I do care for her then I should make an effort to be with her so that she may grow alongside me. Rebuttal from me: merely getting a girl won't make me love god any more than I already do. You kinda get the idea that he disagreed with the way I think when it comes to women. But as a final remark he told me this: how do you expect to eventually get down on one knee to ask that one you truly love with all your heart to marry you if you've never made a step towards finding out how someone did feel about you and dating.
If this were a fire fight this is the part of the fight were you pull the trigger on your gun and the hammer just clicks and the slide pulls back signaling that you're empty and more than likely the person shooting at you has one more bullet. This brought back the thoughts I had again. I think that that talk last night was pretty much a brutal reality check, I'm pretty sure all my readers think this way too (be honest you know its true). Maybe all these things I've been writing about are just a bunch of idealistic "cupcake land" garbage. I've been told that this is probably the smallest that the pond is going to be and if I don't cast then it's only going to be harder when I do graduate. All this talk about how I just wish for her happiness, is it all too innocent and naive? I know you all love these posts and try to give me advice, but somehow I wonder how you all honestly really feel about my thoughts. Maybe you're like my roommate and you think that this really is all too naive and that I should be shot for it but I don't know.
I really do want to tell her how I feel, yet the part of my heart that is uncertain is what the commitment will really be like. I know a relationship is not easy, in various posts I rant about how we make dating too much about money and sometimes becomes a huge investment, but theres that possiblity that the investment fails and becomes memories you don't want to remember. Or the fact that our society makes us think that our relationships aren't always going to be permanent and that the one you date isn't going to be the one you marry which causes us not to become too attached to one another. It's one thing to love certain aspects about a person yet maybe they don't feel the same about you or once you date them they turn out to be totally different. Why is it that we make love so hard, so hard that it makes this heart fear making that first step in telling her how I feel. I've read all your comments and I can even predict what you may even write for this post in general. I know faith without works is dead, I truly do wrestle with this idea. Back when I was bitter I questioned if I really was alive, I felt like a dead man in a world where time was moving by too fast. But when I came to Long Beach I found a group of people who blessed my life and I felt alive again. This girl who I met less than a year ago, who has shown me faith even in times of heart break and doubt whose life brought tears to the eyes of this ninja and captured his heart which is no small feat. Yet at the same time that proud ninja is a pathetic man who has no confidence in himself when it comes to telling her how he feels, who hides in the shadows to protect her heart yet she'll never know of his valiant efforts and how he naively hopes that she will find happiness even if it isn't with him. Dang it she's done it again, she made me cry.
She's someone who has so much power in my life, yet I myself am powerless to tell her how I feel. I know you may all berate and tell me that its time to make that move via comments, but I question myself in general. I may never do it yet I feel that if I don't I'll regret it. I don't know if this love will be worth possibly being hurt over, but at the same time its better to do it than never knowing. I just don't know, its something my minds eye or anyone else won't tell me. Love just isn't something I know how to face as a ninja, its a mysterious yet beautiful thing but at the same time it can lead to infinite possibilities. So say what you want, I'll continue to search for an answer in my journeys in the shadows of the heart of the world and of my own not just as a ninja but as a man.
So as I lay in bed more crazy thoughts come to my mind concerning my precious person (once again clean thoughts, because I know you were all thinking it and you're all dirty perverts =P). Two things came to my mind, One crazy thoughts always seem to catch up to me whenever I sleep and two the fact that a moments madness took over. I began to have thoughts of future regrets that I could have if I never act upon my feelings. These thoughts were so shaking I actually rolled around my bed. I don't remember if my roommate was there or not, because if he was I felt kinda bad since my bed has been squeeking lately. Eventually I cleared my head since I have bigger things to worry about than this. So then all was well with the world for a while. Now I say for a while because just the other night, or should I say very early this morning (around 12 to be exact) my other roommate, the one who questioned why I'm never seen around girls, happened to be studying in my room and women came up once again (it was his idea, he really should have been studying I was just browsing anime sites). So once again we had another engaging conversation about women.
Pretty much he wanted to know why my love life in general "sucks" (bluntly put you can even guess who I talked to I really don't care since I live with him) so I told him it was a matter of confidence. Response: you got to be confident in yourself, conversation then turned to a critique of how I was talking to him and reflecting it back to if I were talking to a girl. However it then turned to what if I waited too long and she actually did get herself a boyfriend. So I told him some of the stuff I wrote about (he doesn't know I keep this blog so he's new to the stuff I told him) how as a follower of Christ you should pray that they be happy and grow together. Response was something less than I was expecting and surprising: he basically called me a crazy (forgive me for I both regret writing this and its basically what he was implying) bastard. He told me that if I do care for her then I should make an effort to be with her so that she may grow alongside me. Rebuttal from me: merely getting a girl won't make me love god any more than I already do. You kinda get the idea that he disagreed with the way I think when it comes to women. But as a final remark he told me this: how do you expect to eventually get down on one knee to ask that one you truly love with all your heart to marry you if you've never made a step towards finding out how someone did feel about you and dating.
If this were a fire fight this is the part of the fight were you pull the trigger on your gun and the hammer just clicks and the slide pulls back signaling that you're empty and more than likely the person shooting at you has one more bullet. This brought back the thoughts I had again. I think that that talk last night was pretty much a brutal reality check, I'm pretty sure all my readers think this way too (be honest you know its true). Maybe all these things I've been writing about are just a bunch of idealistic "cupcake land" garbage. I've been told that this is probably the smallest that the pond is going to be and if I don't cast then it's only going to be harder when I do graduate. All this talk about how I just wish for her happiness, is it all too innocent and naive? I know you all love these posts and try to give me advice, but somehow I wonder how you all honestly really feel about my thoughts. Maybe you're like my roommate and you think that this really is all too naive and that I should be shot for it but I don't know.
I really do want to tell her how I feel, yet the part of my heart that is uncertain is what the commitment will really be like. I know a relationship is not easy, in various posts I rant about how we make dating too much about money and sometimes becomes a huge investment, but theres that possiblity that the investment fails and becomes memories you don't want to remember. Or the fact that our society makes us think that our relationships aren't always going to be permanent and that the one you date isn't going to be the one you marry which causes us not to become too attached to one another. It's one thing to love certain aspects about a person yet maybe they don't feel the same about you or once you date them they turn out to be totally different. Why is it that we make love so hard, so hard that it makes this heart fear making that first step in telling her how I feel. I've read all your comments and I can even predict what you may even write for this post in general. I know faith without works is dead, I truly do wrestle with this idea. Back when I was bitter I questioned if I really was alive, I felt like a dead man in a world where time was moving by too fast. But when I came to Long Beach I found a group of people who blessed my life and I felt alive again. This girl who I met less than a year ago, who has shown me faith even in times of heart break and doubt whose life brought tears to the eyes of this ninja and captured his heart which is no small feat. Yet at the same time that proud ninja is a pathetic man who has no confidence in himself when it comes to telling her how he feels, who hides in the shadows to protect her heart yet she'll never know of his valiant efforts and how he naively hopes that she will find happiness even if it isn't with him. Dang it she's done it again, she made me cry.
She's someone who has so much power in my life, yet I myself am powerless to tell her how I feel. I know you may all berate and tell me that its time to make that move via comments, but I question myself in general. I may never do it yet I feel that if I don't I'll regret it. I don't know if this love will be worth possibly being hurt over, but at the same time its better to do it than never knowing. I just don't know, its something my minds eye or anyone else won't tell me. Love just isn't something I know how to face as a ninja, its a mysterious yet beautiful thing but at the same time it can lead to infinite possibilities. So say what you want, I'll continue to search for an answer in my journeys in the shadows of the heart of the world and of my own not just as a ninja but as a man.
posted by Jeffrey at
11:06 PM
3 Comments:
geeeez.... as a man.
By
jayce, at 1:14 AM
my teacher once asked us "what is the right of passage in today's society? Is it when you turn 21? When you get married? Have kids? Get baptized? When are you no longer a child?" its not so concrete as going out and hunting or something cultural like it used to be. I'd argue that its a struggle that you face and overcome. Wasnt your theme something about Wilderness? I know you're stressing internally but i agree, you'll come out a better man because of it...or just have ulcers...haha, take care jeff
By
Unknown, at 7:52 PM
your post is sooo eloquent for such a sad topic !!!
well ... i guess you wont know it til you try it =P i hope you figure it out ...
By
xdelphinex, at 4:30 PM
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