Encounters with strange feelings

Well I know I promised two readers a post on thier favorite topic next week, but I've just had a run in with the terrible human feeling called jealousy and I thought I should write about it and also I had a very productive week too so this is to celebrate and prove that I am sorry to two or three of my readers if I scared you by WWA (writing while angry). But if you have to know I will be posting another thing next week since it will be spring break for me afterwards and what better way to kick off my break than to make my readers happy (twice). Anyways it's kind of interesting on how this feeling came up. It was after aacf and we were broken up into small groups to discuss what we went through our quiet times and being like an Acts church through fellowship. Anyways if you can define irony you can probably guess one of the members in the group I was in if not just stop reading since if you really can't guess then NINJA CLONE TO ANNOY YOU TO DEATH! Yes, she was the leader/driver in our group; our group shared a pizza dinner and we were heading back to campus to drop off one of our group members to thier car. Anyways we were talking about Scouting (we saw some girl scouts selling cookies so thats how it came up) we eventually got to the Boy Scouts since yes I am an Eagle scout (a little known fact about me if you didn't know) and my precious person said how one of the things that she looked for in a guy when she was younger was that he had to be a Eagle scout. I jokingly asked if that still was true now and she said not really (I really was joking since I wanted to know if it still was or not out of curiostiy) and she also mentioned it was because one of her friends wasn't one.

When I heard this I knew that there probably was another person that she holds dear to her heart. I guess you can say that this was kind of a bad time to find out about that possible "x" factor. I was saddened, I felt the feelings of jealousy, anger and regret but at the same time I remembered my stance as both a man and as the ninja of Long Beach. These feelings are brutal to the heart, if this were any other heart it would be crushed and angry. But I remembered how I should wish for her happiness and hope that should she be with this other person I should rejoice for this relationship she has been blessed with. Now I'm not sure if she does have feelings for this other person or not and I could remain in some naive state and pretend that this never happened but there are too many factors to give me a definite answer.

These feelings, like I said not even I can escape them from being felt in my heart. The only thing I can do is accept these feelings and realize that it is normal for me to feel these things. I seek to be above these petty feelings, and live a life that is a blessing to those around me and to the one I hold dear. These feelings I hate them. These feelings cause one to think irrationally, when we become jealous all we can think of is taking that person we love away from another or hope for something bad to happen for them. But in the end we forget why it is that we loved that person in the first place and to wish for harm to be done to them should break our hearts. I didn't have these thoughts of harm for her, only thoughts of future happiness even if its not with me. Why does this feeling exist, it clouds our vision from loving someone to only wishing harm to their hearts for not choosing yourself? This feeling should cause us to look inside ourselves and not cause us to shake our fists in anger at that person, but to open our hands and take the hand of our precious person and hand it over to that person they truly love and say "love and take care of my brother/sister in Christ".

Like I said before there are too many factors to see if she does like this other person or not. For now I'll keep loving her as I always have, maybe theres still a chance for me or not. The world will berate this ninja for his naivete. His comrads will shout criticisms and make him regret not taking action. He may never know an answer to this question in his heart and many will urge him to find out. But the ninja will continue to be content and slowly walk towards the darkness of man with all these things cried out at him as these feelings of hatred and jealousy will try to take over his heart. And he turned his head to them, smiling with tears in his eyes and he'll whisper "no" as he continues to watch her heart from the darkness.