What lies beyond?

Well I've been pretty productive lately, I've worked a 40 hour week this week at my job. So I get good work experience and make some money to fund my hobbies and my ninja journeys. I suppose I faced another opponent this time. Where the first was jealousy and now its regret. I suppose this thought came up as I was at work, I was typing up some judgements on some files when a strange thought unexpectedly popped itself in my head. I suppose it was due to the fact that I wake up at 8 in the morning to get ready for work so I guess I was kinda tired that day. Anyways the thought that entered my head was what was my dear friend doing on a beautiful summer day like this? I know I was at work typing up reports and making copies, but I wondered what she was doing. I know I must sound like some strange stalker talking like this but then thats when regret popped in. I realized the many opportunities to tell her how I felt (this year was filled with some missed opportunities) and why I act the way I do around women. As you know I'm a pretty strange person, almost hermit like to put it bluntly with my facination with anime and video games. It's pretty much like I somehow repel women away from me without even knowing it, I have a good way of putting it: Axe products don't attract women, spray it on me and nothing happens.

Anyways back to the topic, I wondered about it for a few days. I wasn't depressed or anything I just found regret strange. If I had to make my own definition for regret it would be this: it is a feeling when we wish we could go back and change things, we didn't know what the future held at that time but when we get past that time we realize the different options we could have chosen. However we realize we can't change those decisions and now we must live with the consequences. And from living with those consequences we fall into a spiral of despair sometimes. However I recently came up with an answer to this feeling as well. Its an answer we can all come to eventually or even what other people would say to us. We shouldn't wallow in those negative feelings, sure we could have made a better choices in the past, but from making those mistakes we see what we may improve in ourselves or in the world. I know I wrote that I don't regret the choices I made this year when it came to her, but like I said with jealousy even the ninja of Long Beach cannot escape it. But as the ninja of Long Beach I can understand it and grow from it.

They say that celebacy is a tough spiritual gift, one that I think is filled with feelings of pain and regret. Yet from it one can gain tremendous strength and insight. Good men like Mr. A, the first ninja of Long Beach and myself probably know these feelings well. Being a ninja is a lonely and painful title, yet I have gained so much from this year that having any regret would make all the people I've blessed and the insight I gained a waste. Thus I'll say it again: it was a love with regrets, but I wouldn't change anything.

I actually found english lyrics to a song that I have called Sayonara Solitia, which is the ending song to Chrono Crusade (the first anime that made me cry). So if you have the time and want to stomach some slow soothing Japanese music give that a listen. Near the end of the song it has a few verses that really hit me and I kinda reflected on during this week.

"I see the dream that had disappeared into sadness...Because I'm no longer alone, tomorrow awakens, and I'm with you...Because I have someone whom I love so much, I'm here by your side, protecting you
I'm so glad that I was born on this earth that connects me to you"

I had my hopes that my relationship with her could grow into something intimate, but it didn't happen. At the same time I still care for her and the best part is that we're still friends. That makes me happy that I was born in the same world as her. This year will be pretty different, I will once again go without a precious person to my heart (I'm not saying that she isn't precious, just that I won't have someone who I'd like to date). It'll be my last year here and walk proudly forward towards what lies beyond.