Love, Life and a Year

Well another year comes to a close, papers have been written and laid to rest once again. A promise is a promise, here's the special post that I had in mind. If you recall under the piles of rants, anime ideas, looks into said anime ideas, my life reflecting anime and all that crazy stuff recall a post I made on Thursday May 22nd, 2008. On friday it'll be a year since I made that post. If you haven't read it or forgot what it was about then do that since it'll make this post make a lot more sense. Or if you're really that awesome (like me sometimes) then you probably already know where this is headed.

Or maybe I'll save you the trouble of reading if you're that lazy. It's been one year since I met and felt attracted to my precious person who I now consider a dear friend. Yes its been one year since this crazy, silent ninja fell for this young woman. She was only a first year then, but over the course of this year I've found out so much about her. I don't really want to count the various posts about her or about women I made because of my feelings for her (if you count and post it in the comments then you are now crazier than I am =P). However, at the same time it was a time where I found out a lot about myself. I suppose that this year has become another journey that either will continue or end for the ninja of Long Beach. My feelings for her, it really showed me so much about what I would want for a relationship. I had my hopes and dreams, but at the same time I wondered if I could do the things that I hoped for. But as some of you have read it couldn't happen for various reasons.

Thus the ninja faced a strange opponent that he thought he knew: jealousy. It was a strange feeling that I thought I knew, but to face it was certainly strange in itself. In the end I overcame it, and through it I found an answer to how to face it. Its a feeling that shows us that we truly care for a person, yet it is also a dangerous feeling as well. Its a feeling that we face when we want to be happy, yet when that happiness is taken away we become angry and clench our hands to forcefully regain that happiness. But it goes against feelings that we once felt for that person and instead we should open our hands and push them towards their happiness instead. It was an answer that I came to, but it was an answer that I couldn't have reached if it had not been without her.

Another thing happened as well that showed me what a beautiful and strong person was spiritually. I was in charge of skit planning this past retreat for aacf. It was a busy time for me as well as my team. She had various things to do both at her church and for family, yet she gave those things up to help out. When we had a fire side sharing, she told everyone of the sacrifices that she made to be there and to stay (she had to go to a funeral during the weekend, yet she decided to stay). She told about the various passings people in her life either friends or her family and how it reminded her of what happened to her a year ago. It broke my heart, I remembered all the facebook messages she sent me saying how she wouldn't be able to make the meetings for skit planning or not being able to stay the weekend of retreat, but in the end she stayed. I remember the scene perfectly, I was standing at the edge of the group and how I heard the pain in her voice as she shared, I just stood there biting my lip trying to hold the tears back for her in the darkness of the night. When she finished people went up to pray for her, I remained in the shadows I wanted to go up but I was too late. But later I went out on my own and I prayed for her and cried. Even though she now has a young man who cares for her I was happy for her. This love I have for her wasn't about getting into a relationship with her, but to care for her. People may call this unrequited love and it should be abandoned since it would only hurt me and make me seem like a strange stalker, but you guys know thats not me. Its another thing that this young woman has shown the ninja of Long Beach.

Before I end this post I want to do something. Some spoiler warning if you're a fan of Gundam 00. So watch all of season 1 first before watching or read on if you don't care. In the end of season 1 of Gundam 00, main pilot Setsuna writes a letter to Marina a young woman who he feels attached to. Amidst the fighting and chaos Setsuna wanted to find an answer to his existence and to why people live in a world conquered by fighting. I feel that I have gone through the same thing as Setsuna so here's my letter to my dear friend.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, its been almost a year since I met you. At first you seemed like every other freshman girl entering college. But in this year of talking and working with you I've learned so much about you and even myself. You've taught me so many things, things that I wouldn't have ever came to myself had I not fallen in love with you. However I still do have questions that may never be answered. Like: would we have been able to walk by each other? Why am I so at peace and glad for you for getting into a relationship? Why does the world believe that I'm weak for not taking action? Why did this young man keep his feelings secret and yet he feels no regret for never sharing them with you? I may never find those answers, but to the questions that you have answered I thank you. I will hold my memories of my feelings for you deep in my heart and I will continue my journey to find those unanswered questions.

People often say that you're better off telling a person you love them, because you'll regret it later. I have my regrets, but I don't regret not telling her. If I had a chance to redo this year, I wouldn't change a thing and I would have fallen for her still. She's shown me so much and I think if I changed any of it I wouldn't have ended up where I am today. Thus her silent guardian marches forward, watching over her, praying for her and continuing to grow and find the answers to his questions.