Things You Can't Forget

I suppose another deep post, might do that look into a pitch III if I ever get around to it. This post might be the last for the next two weeks since I'll be kicking it Asian style in the south with my grandparents and uncle. So hopefully I'll have interesting stories to tell everyone. Sorry about the lack of posts, I've been working these past two/three weeks so its been pretty busy and productive on my end. But that is a tale for another time.

I suppose its been more than five years since my high school days. If you ever asked what time of your life would you have wanted back, whether if it was a big waste of time or if you could do it differently, I would have to say it was those days. Its been a couple of years since those days and I could say that even though I would have wanted those years back I know I can't have them. I was really a different person back then, I was somewhat of an anti-hero back then. Well I guess I still am now, since I am the ninja of Long Beach. People didn't really care for me and that made me care less about other people. It eventually got so bad that I just plain hated people outright, I could meet someone new and immediately find the things I hated about them. If you said hi to me I knew it was out of obligation rather than being friendly (or both).

I guess you can say that these painful memories are hard to forget, its like having another half of me. It's kind of like in Gundam 00 (sorry for the anime reference I just find this example appropriate) I'm kind of like Allelujah Haptism (he's my favorite Gundam Meister) who has another violent personality who appears before him and talks with him. As much as Allelujah wants to change the world the other personality constantly reminds him of his existence to only fight and become nothing more than a soldier. I feel the same way, the other half of me reminds me of only the worst of people and as much as I say that I have changed that half reminds me that he is a part of me that will never leave. I guess its true that that part of me will never leave, but I just have to accept him for it because (History education catching up with me) I study what happened back then and realize that all I wanted was someone to accept me, someone to tell me that it was all right to be who I was despite everyone being a jerk to me, someone to say that they loved me. Once again my arrival to Long Beach gave me all of that.

With that said love is another thing nobody can forget. To make such an impact on another life or even another life having an impact on yourself is tough to forget. Well then again theres divorce if you get married, but thats another topic all together. Those seem to be the most facinating memories of all. Yes they could be replaced with people, but each one is unique. I can't tell you how much those feelings can make an impact on someone. I just hope I can make a girl feel the same way, to do something for her that she won't forget about what I did for her. Dang I just lost my train of thought for this section, so we can try to drown out bad memories or regrets, but when it comes down to it all we have to accept those feelings and memories because thats all they want. If we do that we can make life a bit more bearable.

What lies beyond?

Well I've been pretty productive lately, I've worked a 40 hour week this week at my job. So I get good work experience and make some money to fund my hobbies and my ninja journeys. I suppose I faced another opponent this time. Where the first was jealousy and now its regret. I suppose this thought came up as I was at work, I was typing up some judgements on some files when a strange thought unexpectedly popped itself in my head. I suppose it was due to the fact that I wake up at 8 in the morning to get ready for work so I guess I was kinda tired that day. Anyways the thought that entered my head was what was my dear friend doing on a beautiful summer day like this? I know I was at work typing up reports and making copies, but I wondered what she was doing. I know I must sound like some strange stalker talking like this but then thats when regret popped in. I realized the many opportunities to tell her how I felt (this year was filled with some missed opportunities) and why I act the way I do around women. As you know I'm a pretty strange person, almost hermit like to put it bluntly with my facination with anime and video games. It's pretty much like I somehow repel women away from me without even knowing it, I have a good way of putting it: Axe products don't attract women, spray it on me and nothing happens.

Anyways back to the topic, I wondered about it for a few days. I wasn't depressed or anything I just found regret strange. If I had to make my own definition for regret it would be this: it is a feeling when we wish we could go back and change things, we didn't know what the future held at that time but when we get past that time we realize the different options we could have chosen. However we realize we can't change those decisions and now we must live with the consequences. And from living with those consequences we fall into a spiral of despair sometimes. However I recently came up with an answer to this feeling as well. Its an answer we can all come to eventually or even what other people would say to us. We shouldn't wallow in those negative feelings, sure we could have made a better choices in the past, but from making those mistakes we see what we may improve in ourselves or in the world. I know I wrote that I don't regret the choices I made this year when it came to her, but like I said with jealousy even the ninja of Long Beach cannot escape it. But as the ninja of Long Beach I can understand it and grow from it.

They say that celebacy is a tough spiritual gift, one that I think is filled with feelings of pain and regret. Yet from it one can gain tremendous strength and insight. Good men like Mr. A, the first ninja of Long Beach and myself probably know these feelings well. Being a ninja is a lonely and painful title, yet I have gained so much from this year that having any regret would make all the people I've blessed and the insight I gained a waste. Thus I'll say it again: it was a love with regrets, but I wouldn't change anything.

I actually found english lyrics to a song that I have called Sayonara Solitia, which is the ending song to Chrono Crusade (the first anime that made me cry). So if you have the time and want to stomach some slow soothing Japanese music give that a listen. Near the end of the song it has a few verses that really hit me and I kinda reflected on during this week.

"I see the dream that had disappeared into sadness...Because I'm no longer alone, tomorrow awakens, and I'm with you...Because I have someone whom I love so much, I'm here by your side, protecting you
I'm so glad that I was born on this earth that connects me to you"

I had my hopes that my relationship with her could grow into something intimate, but it didn't happen. At the same time I still care for her and the best part is that we're still friends. That makes me happy that I was born in the same world as her. This year will be pretty different, I will once again go without a precious person to my heart (I'm not saying that she isn't precious, just that I won't have someone who I'd like to date). It'll be my last year here and walk proudly forward towards what lies beyond.