Weak and Strong

Now its been a really, really, really, long time since my last update. I guess you can chalk it up to being too busy or the deadlier of reasons lack of inspiration. In general I guess you can just say it was pure laziness on my end. But I have some inspiration on hand now and some time so here goes nothing.

I always find it funny that society places admiration on the strong and powerful. Who doesn't admire someone for rising up and making something of themselves? I think the thing that bugs me most is that people like that sometimes forget that they were once weak and unknown. Fame and fortune will give anyone a big head but its important to know what weakness is. I think that it should be the weak who are to be admired. Not as a something to gain pity but to be recognized for true strength. When you think about it the people who are in positions of power and fame are people who pull themselves up by the boot straps and do something about chaning their lives. You read stories like that about celebrities, but you never hear about the average person. The guy who worked hard and simply lived a average life. Both the average joe and the celebrity have the humble origins down, but who's story has a bigger impact. To me its the average person, the person who works hard doesn't seek fame but to simply to live a strong life. That's the story I want to hear, its even something that can occupy a few pages rather than having a book written about them.

People just want to be strong, but they first have to realize thier weakness. Its sad when the world wants strong people to continue society, but it never gives the opportunity to the weak. In the end its natural selection, but its like I said before we're not animals we're people. Individuals who want to be strong. Yet sometimes the world doesn't allow that and thinks people who can't live up to expectations should not be allowed to exist. But the result of that for these people is despiration. People will do whatever it takes to survive to be strong, that is partly why we have crime. Its part thrill, but at its very base is the drive to survive and become stronger by force. If the world denies people of becoming stronger then what is stopping them from taking it by force? Its kind of like in Batman Begins where Bruce lives as a bum in Asia to understand the criminal mind.

What can we do in a world that wants its inhabitants to be strong, yet denies them the opportunity? I don't have an answer but as a weak person in this world I will say that people have to realize their weakness and draw strength from it. Its a strange concept but its by far the only thing someone can do. In that realization one can strive to be more than they can be, to not wallow in weakness but realize its existence so that when they do gain strenght they will value it more than anyone else. Weak people should not be the ones who die out, but ones who can be considered true heroes.

Many different definitions

Now its really been a long time since I last posted. Lets just say its a result of life's bumps, lack of inspiration, and sheer laziness. I guess now would be a good time as any to look back and just think. I guess this post came up from something stupid as I laid in bed one night a few weeks ago. I thought about love and how people go about it. Then that stupid song "What is Love" came up and I thought about writing about it from that (You all were thinking about it anyways). Looking back at my life in general and the women who have sparked my interest, it was always a story of unrequited love. As a kid and misguided and nerdy teenager, I never got those cheezy movie romances or mutual feelings from another girl. I hoped for them but in reality they never came. These past few years haven't been any different. I guess it could either be chalked up to indecisiveness or timidness. I've seen people get together, sometimes they were meant for each other or I would have never seen it coming. I know I can't really define love in general but I can at least define it in terms of my experiences.

My love is simple, though it makes it a double edged sword. I don't expect much but at the same time it can seem naive. It is selfless, it considers the feelings of others before myself. It is self concious, another bad thing I tend to over think things causing me to hold back or not take risks. Finally it is unknown, the feelings and thoughts I've had about the things I've written go unseen and unknown by these women. I really hope this doesn't seem emo-ish, but hear this one out. I saw this in Fruits Basket, where one of the characters can't live with his mother because she rejected him. So he lives separately from her and she lives unaware of his true identity as her son because she had her memories erased. Even though she lives blissfully unaware of this knowledge the young man still loves her and even though he can't be loved by his mother its a painful secret that he must bear to show his love to his mother.

I feel the same way. I know I might be fated to live by myself alone and I never did have a chance to tell some of these girls how I felt its alright. I know they'll all meet nice guys and be happy. Though they may live unaware of how I felt, it seems like I will be the one to bear it. Any other guy would regret the things they didn't do but not me. People will tell me that I'm a fool for thinking this way. But thats my definition of love, it is a painful streak of unrequited love but ultimately seeks the happiness of the women in my past and holds those memories of them to grow stronger from it.

Sorting Out

Well I guess I've got some kind of inspiration. I really need to make my post on the Children of Overon some time in the future. I guess this came up during this week. It all started with my early trip to campus (since I love to get to school early for class) I made my way to the Student Union to see if anyone was at the tables around 9 in the morning. I got there and once again God seems to have a good sense of humor, because she was the only one there. I walked up to the table and sat with her. She was doing some studying so I read the paper for a bit. Eventually we get into small conversations, nothing too deep, I tell her how I've been doing and she tells me how she is. Funny thing was when I spoke with her I didn't get as nervous as I usually do whenever I talk the girl I'm attracted to. My heart didn't beat fast nor did I stutter, I was oddly comfortable. It was one of those moments where I wanted to say lord make this moment last, I didn't care if it was just small conversations we were having, just being near her made me happy. Unfortunately all good things had to end and I had to go to class.

That night I kind of thought about this experience. It always seems like thoughts come to me as I go to sleep. I wondered about my feelings for her, how I was comfortable talking with her. One of the things I told her was about my experiences thus far in school. That there might be a possibility that I may not be able to continue. Its not something I really like to talk about now a days but I told her. She tried to be encouraging, because she knows I work hard and was glad that my parents understood. I kind of took the time to sort my feelings out. I really do care for her, but I may never have the chance to tell her and I may not see her ever again. Then I asked myself what if she finds someone, will I be happy? I would and then I had to face my fear of not seeing her. Its kind of like in a manga I read, where a girl spends the day with the guy she likes. At the end of the day she asks him why he has to leave her, but he says you shouldn't worry about that because if you think you'll never see a person again then thats how small you think of your world when it should be big. I thought about that for a while and I came to terms with my dilemma. Like I said before if God has a good sense of humor then I just might see her in the days beyond the ones I have now.

In the end I just feel at peace knowing that she'll be fine on her own. Maybe I'll tell her these feelings but I think I might not. To think that these thoughts were sorted out from one conversation with her.

Not of my own accord

Alright its been a really long time since I updated this (well in terms of a good post anyways). Well a happy belated new year and merry Christmas. I guess some of the no updates comes from my own side, theres been a lot to think about and then theres the lack of inspiration at times. More or less the thoughts I have about women haven't been clicking together, especially dealing with the feelings I have about the one in my heart now. In all honesty like the last post before my after dark post I still somewhat believe that it may just be my fate to live alone. I enjoy being single, but it'd be nice to have someone of the opposite sex to talk to on a personal level. Of course the weeks since that post I've been hearing different things in terms of you'll never know what'll happen in the future. In some respects it does seem like I'm limiting God's plan in my life. Like that he'll work things out about my current feelings, change the course of my life and such. As of right now I'm still a little confused about my feelings for her. In terms of personality I've mentioned it before, I'm the ninja and she's like a magical girl. Meaning that she's bright, energetic, loud and everyone loves her. It almost seems impossible for our lives to meet. I'm fine with that, but I wonder what God thinks of that plan. I really hope that she'll find happiness with someone even if she doesn't know the heart of this ninja.

Perhaps I should just give up these feelings that I have right now. It would make things a lot less painful. I hate living in fear that I may never see her again, but maybe thats because this was a physical attraction. Yet I love the fact that she has a faith that perhaps rivals my own. I don't know if this sounds plain emo or whining but I feel that theres something that my heart doesn't want to let go. I think of all the women who I have had affection for my one wish for them and even her is that they would be happy. Its not about me meeting the expectations of the world in getting a girlfriend, but in the hopes that the people I love do find that happiness. Thats why I feel that I should hold onto the feelings I have now not as a means of reliving old ones but to remember the ones that left me long ago. I think thats something that God has placed in my heart that though my feelings may not be fully achieved, that shouldn't mean that I don't wish for others to achieve thiers.

After Dark Stories

Well this one's pretty long overdue. This particular story has been done since July and I guess I never got around to posting it. Aside from the main character in Demon Savior, I've touched upon some of the side characters such as Zaki and Tristan but now we see the next side character to get a story. So without further adue.

Its only been a year since the SS ranked operation and Rhys Viral's life has never been the same. The hunter who set the standards that all S-ranked bounty hunters operations have never been the same. The borders of humanity and demons have been broken and now the jobs he takes on don't give him the thrill as it used to. Bringing in human bounties has proven far too simple and the legendary L.T. wishes to hunt down and fight demons. His wish would soon be granted. A S-ranked operation has been set before him by an old acquantance from the city of Sogorra. The job seems far to simple, infiltrate a secret facility in Antartica and extract a young girl. Only one catch, the girl is a demon whose blood contains a virus that changes humans into demons.

Rhys takes the job and sucessfully infiltrates the facility. Only the job has become much more complicated. The guards and researchers are dead. The facility is now overrun by the child experiments have overdosed on the blood becoming murderous monsters and has been locked down trapping Rhys for three days. The only way to stop the madness is for Rhys to kill them all and the girl he is supposed to rescue. The legendary S-hunter will be put to the ultimate test of survival and three days of murder await in the frozen wasteland.

After Dark Stories: Artic Freakshow

Well thats the long overdue story. This one is an interesting one even though it has a really short description. Its almost equivalent to Batman in which a man fights off hordes of inhuman demons with only his wits and a ton of guns. Next time in the After Dark Stories: Jonas Rapt.

Slowly but surely

I know typically around this time I come up with a new pitch idea, I have one but its going to take a bit more time to fine tune. This one was more or less inspired by the ending of Dark Knight and I'd throw in some romance and betrayal, about how one man becomes hated by the world to protect the woman he loves who's out to kill him. Anyways that'll come in the future. So now we look at some more mindless ramblings. I guess you can say I'm getting to that age/phase in my life where I look at myself and ultimately decide what it'll be like in my future in terms of a relationship. I understand that it takes time and effort to cultivate something like that. I guess ultimately dating and what not eventually leads up to marriage. One of my friends actually got engaged recently. I heard about it during small group, let me tell you I was just as surprised as the others (who were all girls, I'm the only guy but its cool). I know the guy she's engaged to and I approve.

Once again it seems that this post is more or less inspired by this event. I mean its crazy, I mean when your a kid you think that marriage is a far off dream, if you're a girl especially it becomes a dream that you hope to attain (this view is a little biased due to the fact that I'm a guy and I learned about that in an anime). I guess from a guy's perspective its not so much as a dream but as a pretty big step as a man. Afterall its ultimately the guy who asks the big question (with lots of elaborate planning of course). I guess I wonder if I'll ever get to that point, even though I haven't even dated a girl before. No I'm not bitter or anything but I just wanted to explore this idea for a while as it mulls in my head and heart. Its like that question my old roommate posed to me before, that dating eventually leads to marriage even if it takes several tries. I guess if I were to judge myself based on that I'm just a naive idiot and I have no right to be writing this now. But its like I said before I don't want to screw around with a person's heart simply to gain "experience" towards an eventual marriage, but I do recognize the fact that its necessary to gain some kind of wisdom towards it. Its like my dai-ge told me he's been in several relationships some good and some bad but it made him the person I respect today.

So then what do I think seems to lay in the future for me? I guess it seems that this ninja may just embrace his destiny as a lonely yet strong hearted wanderer. Call it old age, but it seems that I may never understand the full complexity of a relationship. Even if I do it just maybe too late or I won't find my person just for me. Don't feel bad for me I have a sense of peace with it. I'm still wondering about my feelings for this girl in my heart but I don't know if I'll ever figure them out. Even if I don't I'm still happy. I've had my experiences with unrequited love, people say that it'll kill you. But I think those who have experienced it are the most noblest people in the world. That though their love will never be returned I think if the person they loved ever knew those feelings they'd be so happy. In the end though they never do and there will always be winners and losers in love. Even those with the purest of hearts. I'm not sad nor am I angry, heck maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll look back years from now and laugh at myself with someone at my side. Its my choice both as a man and what seems to be in my heart now. I know I'll never have that Valaro and Alicia relationship, but I feel more like one of my other characters Asus Rapt. He could have chosen the woman that he fell in love with but he chose what he wanted in his heart. To create a legacy of honorable assassins who follow thier hearts even though they seem cold blooded. Thats how I feel now, that even if the future holds nothing slowly but surely what my heart wants and even God's plan for me is all that matters to me now.

So my blessings and congratulations of Josh and Jenna. This heart will forever move forward and grow slowly but surely even if there is nothing.

Knowing

Now its been really long since I last posted something. Its been really busy lately and I know its probably going to get busier. But I guess this time around it'll be a thought provoker with a little relationship stuff thrown in. I suppose you can say this was inspired by a web comic/manga Megatokyo (I'm not sure what to define it as). Anyways theres a guy who goes to help his co-worker build a computer, the guy happens to somewhat like his co-worker's roommate (its a complex story but I recommend reading it so it makes better sense). His co-worker as him if he wants to know any "insider info" on her roommate like favorite color, movie, dislikes. He declines and says that getting that info from her would be like cheating. I guess this is where I'd like to explore, the idea of "knowing" things. I think we all would like to know things in our lives. It would be easy to simply look into a crystal ball and see exactly how things would play out. Its been explored in probably various forms they did it in paycheck, knowing, and a few other stories I can't remember now. It sounds so nice to have such knowledge but I wonder if it would make us happy. I find it scary, because if we knew then what's the purpose of faith or experience? If we knew God's plan for us or if we knew how our actions would play out wouldn't it be frightening if we knew it played out badly? I guess this goes into inevitability as well that if we did know things would play out badly then it would be pointless to do things against it. This gets really touchy because of agency and various theories concerning space time so I think it would be best to leave it at would we have faith or grow from experience if we knew how things in our lives played out?

In terms of my life going to the topic of the young woman thats somehow made her way into my heart. I would like to know if what I feel is truly from God or something simply from my gut. Not only that but I know two of her roommates (names will not be used to protect the guilty) because they've been like big sisters to me during my undergraduate years (even though technically we're the same age somewhat). I kind of feel like I'm in the predicament like the character above. I wouldn't want to know learn "insider info" from them, it wouldn't be fair not to me or to her. I guess when it comes to cases like love its better to learn from the people themselves. Because anyone can tell you things about another person, but it seems lazy to just rely on others rather than finding out things about the people you love yourself. Then again I wonder if when I do finally figure out my feelings its going to be a strange experience. Because when I do know then what will I do? Will I just do like last time and let her pass me by or will I act upon them because of previous experience? I'm not saying its good for me to simply live in blissful ignorance, but I realize the fact that with that knowledge a decision must be made. I just find it weird that of all the girls that I've been around (don't misinterpret this line) she's the one that somehow pops up in my life. Coincidence or God's sense of humor (or are those things the same thing I don't know)? In my honest opinion it feels like a physical thing, but like one of my dai-ges told me to be true to myself and be open to God's will. I'm leaving my heart open to God but I'm still trying to figure out fully if this is a physical attraction or not. So while I may not know now I hope that when that day does come when I do know I'll be able to act properly.