Not of my own accord

Alright its been a really long time since I updated this (well in terms of a good post anyways). Well a happy belated new year and merry Christmas. I guess some of the no updates comes from my own side, theres been a lot to think about and then theres the lack of inspiration at times. More or less the thoughts I have about women haven't been clicking together, especially dealing with the feelings I have about the one in my heart now. In all honesty like the last post before my after dark post I still somewhat believe that it may just be my fate to live alone. I enjoy being single, but it'd be nice to have someone of the opposite sex to talk to on a personal level. Of course the weeks since that post I've been hearing different things in terms of you'll never know what'll happen in the future. In some respects it does seem like I'm limiting God's plan in my life. Like that he'll work things out about my current feelings, change the course of my life and such. As of right now I'm still a little confused about my feelings for her. In terms of personality I've mentioned it before, I'm the ninja and she's like a magical girl. Meaning that she's bright, energetic, loud and everyone loves her. It almost seems impossible for our lives to meet. I'm fine with that, but I wonder what God thinks of that plan. I really hope that she'll find happiness with someone even if she doesn't know the heart of this ninja.

Perhaps I should just give up these feelings that I have right now. It would make things a lot less painful. I hate living in fear that I may never see her again, but maybe thats because this was a physical attraction. Yet I love the fact that she has a faith that perhaps rivals my own. I don't know if this sounds plain emo or whining but I feel that theres something that my heart doesn't want to let go. I think of all the women who I have had affection for my one wish for them and even her is that they would be happy. Its not about me meeting the expectations of the world in getting a girlfriend, but in the hopes that the people I love do find that happiness. Thats why I feel that I should hold onto the feelings I have now not as a means of reliving old ones but to remember the ones that left me long ago. I think thats something that God has placed in my heart that though my feelings may not be fully achieved, that shouldn't mean that I don't wish for others to achieve thiers.